Does hard work really pay off if it only leads to severe burnout

I typically wake up around 5:45 a.m. exhausted, with bloodshot eyes and a cup of coffee. 

The bags and dark circles have grown to be noticeable even with makeup, so I’ve given up trying to hide them. 

I work at a breakfast diner on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and every other Friday morning. After I’m off on Tuesday and Thursday, I rush to NE Campus for class. Monday and Wednesday, I’m on campus from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Then I work for the newspaper everywhere in between. 

I cook most of my own meals, do my own laundry, clean my apartment and pay for my bills. 

The minimum wage in Texas is $7.25. The diner pays me $11 an hour and the newspaper $15, so on paper it seems I’m making a killing, but I only take home roughly $1,500 a month. 

My apartment is $1,495, and thank God I have a roommate. Electricity comes out to about $140 a month, and our internet is $70. Then the water and apartment service charges us $95 a month.  

What is the service my apartment charges beyond water? I don’t know, but in total we each pay about $900 for our cockroach– infested, uninsulated and broken-down apartment where I hear every step, yell and jump from the children upstairs.  

My car bill, thankfully, is only $216, and my parents take care of the insurance for me. I pay off my horrible 2016 Kia Soul in April, but who’s to say my car will even make it to then. Weekly, I fill up the tank, and $30 every four weeks comes to $120 a month. 

Then groceries. I try to go once every few days as I know it is easier for me to prep and cook that way than trying to do it once a week. I usually keep it light and choose to only eat Greek yogurt, oatmeal, lentils, quinoa and vegetables. Still, this can add up to about $100 every two weeks.  

Health insurance? Neither of my jobs offer it. And while the government offers decent tax exemptions through the marketplace, I still can’t afford the over $100 monthly payment for cheapest and crappiest insurance plan. So, I gave up on paying for it.  

In total, $1,336 a month when I make about $1,500. A lovely $164 for myself to spend on other items such as laundry detergent and possible emergencies.  

If I want to do something nice for myself, I will contemplate for weeks whether it’s a good idea or not. If I decide it is, I won’t tell anyone because I feel guilty spending my money on something other than what I need. 

I must spend every day writing, studying, driving, interviewing and asking people if they’d prefer a booth or a table in order to survive.  

I’ve had one day off since November. 

And people love to tell me this is normal, and I, instead of complaining, should be doing more to further advance my career. 

If I do more, I might explode or die before I even reach my 30s. 

I’m single and don’t have anyone at home to help me. My roommate can’t do my laundry, clean my dirty dishes or help with rent.   

I’m the boss of the newspaper. I can’t relinquish my responsibilities to other staff members who don’t know what to do.  

I’m the owner of my car. My parents already help me with the monthly insurance, so I can’t ask for more help than they already give. 

So, what do I do?  

I guess for now, I’ll continue as I am. I’ll ignore the judgements and advice from those who don’t know my day to day and do what I know I can.  

Even if it’s slowly killing me.