I underestimate how lucky I am that my parents’ love for me did not require me to abandon or mold myself into something easier for them to swallow.
On March 31, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that parts of Colorado’s conversion therapy ban and others like it restricts freedom of speech for talk therapists and other professionals and that states which place prohibitions on the topics therapists discuss with their clients are directly violating the therapist’s First Amendment rights.
Conversion therapy is any physical or emotional treatment to condition a person to no longer have homosexual attraction or transgender feelings. These practices are rooted in the outdated scientific belief that homosexuality or non-cisgender identity is a curable mental illness.
Basically, if you’re queer, you’re sick. The only cure is the Bible and understanding that there is something sinful inside of you and that you cannot trust yourself.
I’ve been in the church since I was 2 years old. I learned how to pray for others, how Jesus and the disciples treated the people society rejected and feared. I’ve memorized more Bible verses than I can count on two hands.
Loving others loudly was something I was taught every Sunday morning in Sunday school, and every night at youth group.
But I was also quietly taught that I am unnatural and that I cannot trust anyone with how I truly feel. When I was 14 years old, I was told that if I ever turned out to be gay, it would break my family’s heart. I felt suffocated in this false persona I put on with everyone around me, but I was afraid of the fallout of living authentically.
The U.S. LGBTQ+ community is well-known for our rates of depression and suicide attempts. This is why organizations like The Trevor Project, which seeks to provide mental health resources to queer youth, exist.
According to a Feb. 12, report from Worldmetrics.org, around 45% of LGBTQ+ high school students seriously considered suicide in the past year, and 68% of LGBTQ+ youth who experience family rejection attempt suicide.
The Trevor Project released a report on Feb. 18, on the correlation between recent exposure to conversion therapy and suicidal thoughts among LGBTQ youth. Of the sample population of over 18,000 people, 5% reported having at some point been exposed to conversion therapy. Of those, 61% seriously considered suicide within a year of exposure.
I love Jesus. I love my fellow Christians. But I am not blind to the harms the church has caused.
To say that I am scared for the children of this nation is an understatement.
This is preemptive grief I am feeling.
I am grieving for the America we could’ve had. The beauty and the culture and the art the queer people who took their own lives because of bigotry like this could’ve given. The joy we could’ve shared at the marvel of being alive and believing in love.
I’m grieving for the church I could’ve had.
My parents love me, even when they don’t understand or agree with me. This is a fundamental truth in my life.
But it’s hard to celebrate the blessings I have knowing that there are so many without the love and support they need.
That, in another life, could have been me.
I don’t think I’ll ever shake the voice in the back of my head whispering “What if?”
