I spend a lot of my free time scrolling through my camera roll, revisiting the kind of person I once was and fantasizing about the one that I’ll be next — what kind of style will she have, what kind of hobbies is she going to get into, what kind of life will she want to live?
The harsh truth about a lot of these fantasies is that sometimes, many of the people who are right beside me in these photos and memories are not always meant to stay with me forever.
We are often taught to think of every relationship that we form as something permanent in our lives, or at least that is what we like to believe.
The people who stand beside us throughout our best and worst are often expected by many to continue seeing every version of us as we grow up.
Every once in a while though, letting go is simply a part of moving forward.
Over a relatively short period of time in high school, my family and I started to experience the loss of many close friends and family members.
Grief has a weird way of forcing you to envision your life differently, and fast. During this time, I couldn’t tell if I was really satisfied with who I was becoming anymore with the friends I was surrounding myself with.
At 16 years old, it felt like I needed to mature quicker than those around me, and it freaked me out.
I used to think that maturing and caring meant being constantly available, even at my own expense.
All of my time, all of my attention, all of me.
It worked for a while, but I was often giving so much of myself to others who would only give little back in return, especially during a time when I needed it most. I felt stagnant.
Nostalgia had a way of making past comforts seem way better than the truth, just because it was a familiar feeling. A lot of the time, the memories and feeling of comfort I felt with old friends completely overshadowed the feeling of pure exhaustion it took to try to maintain these relationships rooted in imbalance.
It had become damaging to try to deny my own coming of age for the sake of comfortability. I had to learn after too long of doing life the hard way that the people who value you in your life will embrace and love your growth as a person.
It has taken a lot of time, effort and patience, but accepting that some people only know a version of me that no longer exists is now something I can appreciate. I’ve worked too hard to become who I am now, and I’m not inclined to reintroduce myself to those who don’t deserve it.
A lot of the time though, it’s still embarrassingly hard to accept. There will always be that part of me that wants to cling to the past and wants the people I’ve outgrown to still see me growing and thriving, but I know deep down that their reaction no longer benefits me, so why disturb my peace for a maybe?
So, I will continue scrolling through my camera roll, and I’ll continue to fill it with more memories than I can count. I know that the future that I’m building for myself can be as unlimited as my growth takes me, and that excites me more than anyone else’s acknowledgment of it could offer.
