by Devin Simkins/reporter
KEYNOTE
Love is an emotional attachment to another person with an emotional investment in their overall well-being, a NW psychology instructor told students.
Love can have consequences that are emotional, physical and financial or if it is just right it could turn out to be amazing, Jay Green said during the Love Conference’s keynote address.
“When you were a child, you were scared to lose your parents. And then when you were a teenager, you were scared to lose your friends,” he said.
Everyone goes through an intimacy life cycle where they change who matters most to them as they get older. As adults, people shift toward being scared to lose that special someone or spouse, Green said. Later, the focus will shift to their children and then their grandchildren.
“Brains are not developed until 30,” he said. “When you said ‘I do,’ it was to someone who was a decade away from becoming themselves.”
Half of marriages end in divorce because of many factors, Green said. Most of the people who get a divorce were married before the age of 25, were not college graduates or were pregnant. When students get married at young ages, they do not fully know their partner as well as they think they do. Students should literally do all of the opposites before getting married: wait till over 25, get a college education and discover contraception, Green said. They are more likely to find a successful relationship that way.
“There is no one person for you,” he said. “There is no such thing as ‘the one.’”
One person cannot make someone’s life complete, Green said. People can find happiness by simply looking around them. The more time spent with someone makes it more likely for physical and emotional attraction to occur, Green said, which is why people might often end up with a person right under their noses.
“You can’t build intimacy if you don’t talk,” he said. “Saying too much or not enough can be bad.”
A relationship needs balance, Green said. A relationship does not have healthy communication when only one person is open to letting someone in while the other has walls up. Both need to be able to say what they are thinking/feeling without saying too much and scaring the other away. They should be able to discuss setting boundaries, marriage, children and goals.
“Sexual intimacy is the basis to a relationship,” he said. “It is the one thing you share only with each other.”
Although intimacy is the most important, it is one of three basics for love, along with passion and commitment, Green said. Students need to have all three to have a well-rounded relationship. Passion and commitment are important because couples should feel a major attraction toward each other while also being exclusive.
Some couples will experience hard times that can lead to arguments. Every couple will disagree on something at some point, and the best thing to do is not avoid the conflicts, Green said. People should always speak up and say what is on their minds. This is where the honesty comes in.
“Relationships will have conflicts over sex, money, children, work and social activities,” he said.
People in arguments with their loved ones should be very careful how they handle the situation. They should always state how they feel without yelling or name-calling. Green said men should avoid being sarcastic, and women should avoid pre-scripting their lines before starting an argument. Most couples do this to each other, he said, which shows they are not actually listening to their spouse when they are expressing their feelings.
“Compliment the person,” he said. “Criticize their behavior.”
Couples can always find a healthy way to confront each other, Green said. People should not tell their partners they are awful people because it will only make the situation worse and make them feel bad about themselves, Green said. Instead, they should tell them they love who they are but the way they behaved at a certain time really upset them.
Couples do not know each other until they have seen each other at their worst, Green said. If they can get past disagreements or accept them, they should be good.
“Relationships need to have desire, respect, trust and safety,” he said. “These are the conditions of love.”
When a man or woman pulls away, the partner should let the person go because the alternative is not good, Green said. Whether it is because of abuse or something else, people should expect to go through grief when a relationship is over. People should know at first they may feel heartbreak, but once the feeling of anger comes over them, resolution is not far behind, Green said.
The right person and the right relationship are both worth waiting for and are out there, Green said.
“You have no choice on love because it will find you,” he said. “The most important thing is to not settle.”
