I lost my wife in a car accident 5 months ago. We’ve been married for 2 years at this point. It wasn’t a healthy marriage. Lots of arguing, fighting, and emotional trauma.
It was a dark and rainy night. We were coming home from a dinner with the in-laws. The whole dinner, they were poking fun at me for no reason. It pissed me off. On the way home, I was driving and my wife was in the passenger seat. I started complaining about how bad the dinner went. She kept trying to tell me to give it a rest and that they were only joking. I got mad at her for defending them.
We started arguing in the car. Bad things were being said to each other. I remember everything going black. Almost as though I was dead.
“Sir. Sir, are you okay,”, a woman asked me.?
“Where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital.”
I open my eyes and slowly but surely I can what looked like a nurse. I look around while vision is still blurry. I have wires on me, an IV needle in my arm, and machines all around me. The nurse leaves the room. Meanwhile I’m still trying to comprehend what I’m doing in the hospital.
The door opens.
“We’re awake!”
A black man walks into the room with doctor’s clothing and a clipboard.
“How are we feeling, sir? You’ve been out of it for a couple days now.”
“Why am I inside a hospital? What’s going on doctor,” as I’m confused and worried.?
He grabs a chair and brings near the bed and sits down. I can see the look of worry in his face. As if he’s going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. He takes off his glasses.
“Sir, you and your wife were in a car accident a couple days ago.”
“What?”
“You ran a red light at a very high speed. As you ran the red light, a car who drove a green light drove into the passenger side of the car. Your car starting flipping and crashed into a parking lot,” the doctor told me.
“Is my wife okay,” I asked.?
“I’m sorry sir. Your wife died from her injuries. She was bleeding internally and she had broken many bones in her body. We did everything we could. I’m sorry.”
Hearing that made me feel like my whole word ended. I started blaming myself for her death. If it wasn’t for me being so immature and treating her like shit.
For 5 months, I excluded myself from all my loved ones. Hoping that I can never cause their deaths. I ignored my friends, family, and even work. All I could ever think was I killed my wife. I’m a piece of shit. I fucked up everything. I started drinking, doing drugs, and robbing people for money.
I got a letter in the mail. My grandparents had died and left me money in their will. I took the money and used it to go on a getaway trip to New York. It was my happy place. I went in hopes that I can clear my mind and be able to move on with life.
I booked a hotel room, took a hot shower, and relaxed on the bed. I decided since I’m not going out, I was gonna shoot up some heroin. I went in my bag, grabbed my syringe, and my little jar of heroin. I put the heroin the syringe, injected the needle in my arm and shot up the drug. I took the needle out and closed my eyes. The feeling of numbness ran through my body.
I wake up, and its 6 in the morning. I try and fall back asleep. But then I realized, something is wrong with my room. It was fallen apart. Rotting walls, moldy ceiling, and bed bugged mattress. I couldn’t get up. And I couldn’t move my body. As though I was in sleep paralysis. I see a figure emerge from the hotel room door. A black figure, tall, with red eyes. He started marching to my side of the bed which was closer to the balcony. He looks over me. I look at him with fear and a loss of words.
“You pathetic excuse of a human. I have dealt with worse scum of the earth.,” the voice said in a demonic voice. “You are to blame for your wife’s death, but it is time to move on. The path you are choosing is a way to hell. And unless you want to go to hell, I would quit the path you are taking. Keep going this way, and I will take you with me to the pit where you will rot for eternity! You Have Been Warned!”
I wake up again. But everything is normal… I sat up to the thought of what just happened. Was this my mind telling me to stop? Was it death? Was it the devil himself? I could not come up with a solution as to what just happened. But it has changed my mind. Maybe this path was gonna lead me to hell. I think this a great start to move on with my life and myself. It’ll be a long journey, but I hope I can make it.
Author of The Unsound Mind
